What's the Hurry?

Blue is Me

posted by Hotdogboi @ 4:09 PM 0 comments

Crashing....

I haven't written for so long.
It's been darn quiet here lately.
Certainly not a reflection on what's going through my head.
It's a turmoil up there,
confusion,
distress,
uncertainties,
unhappiness,
depression.

I'm not sure how to go on.
I'm crashing.
How many times have I called for help.
But I feel moments of comfort.
Just going to continue to trust in the One Most High.

I think there's a major spiritual warfare

posted by Hotdogboi @ 10:30 AM 1 comments

My Office Desk!

Ok for those curious bees out there,
Here's a look at My Messy Table!

posted by Hotdogboi @ 7:45 PM 0 comments

One Million dollars...So?

The charity project I'm doing has reached its one million mark!
Thank God for that - and it's been only 6 weeks of fundraising!
A tea party has been planned for some kids from the various charities down at our office today.
My original idea was to bring the celebrations to them,
but my boss wanted them to come down to our office,
so that we can take photos for the media - and the papers will run the story.
Logistically it was easier to manage.

I was truely glad we have achieved so much for these kids,
but I felt as if we were exploiting them.
all this publicity - it was the job for any PR practitioner to create.
How does one strike the balance.
I don't feel good about this.
Not happy.

But everything went as planned. They came and were excited.
One thing I learnt,
if you wanna throw a kids party - make sure you have soft drinks!
My colleauge who was in charge of the food, didn't prepare any soft drinks!
Oh dear...!
One by one, they were coming up to me for soft drinks!
I begged and borrowed coins, and bought them drinks from the dispensing machine!

Then there were Brian and Eugene!
Brian's from the special needs school,
He remembered me from the last time I saw him about a month ago,
when I was filming him for the video we were doing.
He came running up to me, remembering my name.
And I nearly forgot his.
He hugged me and asked if I've been busy at work.
My heart melted.
I asked him about his birthday party, and he asked why I never went.
My heart melted further.
Bought him a coke, the other kids saw,
so I had to buy another for sebastian, and 3 others.

Then there was Eugene, from the spastics children's school.
Small, little fella, bespectacled but has got such an endearing smile.
He needed the 4-legged clutches to walk.
The last time I met him, he played "Who wants to be a millionaire" with me.
In chinese, mind you.
Half the time I didn't even quite understand what he was saying,
but he sounded like he was the expert,
and he quized me quite exactly like how it's meant to be done.
With exact intonation and fluatuations to the questions, I was amazed at his memory.
He quized me all the way to a few thousand dollars,
but in the end I had 'won' only a thousand from him.
So, first thing I saw him was to ask about my thousand dollars,
He smiled and remembered vaguely.
He tried to play the game with me again, but I was too busy running around.

The time came for photo-taking,
some kids gathered on stage,
I carried Eugene up on stage to pose for photos with the bull.
The photographer was snapping away.
This was meant to appear in the papers the next day.
Then there was the boy in a wheelchair.
They had wheeled him closer to the stage,
but my impatient boss was in a hurry to get the photos,
she just dismissed him and said that it wasn't necessary for him to be on stage.
Afterall, they had all already taken a group shot earlier.
My heart sank. and so too did many others.
I could feel his disappointment, but above all him feeling dejected.
When that session ended, I asked them to pose for another round of photos again,
this time at the bottom of the stage, to include the boy.
I wasn't sure what to do.

Then when it was time to go off, we distributed some goodie bags,
Kids love it. stuff to eat, and stuff to play with.

As I was walking Eugene off, his principal told me he needed the toilet.
The fella had to hobble his way quickly to the toilet,
what do u know, before he could go in, he had to overcome a flight of stairs.
I carried him into the toilet and walked him to the urinal.
He asked me to help pull his shorts down for him,
I did.
I didn't know what else to do. I felt so helpless. He had leaked a little.
My heart broke.
And as he stood near the urinal, he realised it was too high for him,
I didn't know what to do, he needed to hold on to his clutches in front of him,
yet he needed to pee.
I tried to help .... but it was no use.
Pee was all over the floor and on my fingers.
But as long as he didn't wet himself, I thought.
What a humbling experience for me.
But he was such an independent boy.
So smart. so lively.
But I'm told sometimes with these kids like Eugene,
they may have a good memory, but might not know what they are saying.
But he had an active mind.
And as he walked into his van, he waved goodbye and said he'll see me again next year.
My heart was crushed.

I don't think it's sympathy that I felt.
If anything, being with these beneficiaries and doing this charity project these past months,
I've learnt that the last thing they need is sympathy.
They need our empathy - yes, but above all, they are just like each one of us.
They need to be loved and to know that they are equally special in God's eyes.
Oh what a humbling thought.

As I went through my day, and as more frustrations about work set in,
I told myself that at least I'll see through this project.
I think this was all part of His plan for sending me to this job.
I didn't know what to feel for these underprivileged children,
but I pray that one day they will see and experience God's love in its full glory.

posted by Hotdogboi @ 10:33 PM 1 comments

Rain Rain go away

The past week had been a real difficult one.
I shared on sat during missions training how dejected I've been feeling.
How I've been questioning God,
and how my faith has been tested time and time again.
How I feel like sometimes He's just not there
and I feel lost and all alone.

But God sends rainbows,
to remind us of the sunshine after the rain.
And in this instance, quite so, literally.

I've scheduled to film a commercial for CNBC at the Padang today.
Have gotten 20 fellow colleagues to be my "supporting cast"or what u call "kay-lay-fares".
Have booked the padang, and the crew's time.
We are working on a tight deadline, the crew flies off to dubai in two days, we cannot afford a reshoot.
It was Sunny. I had planned to bring extra boxes of tissue for my "runners" to use in between takes.
So we went of for lunch .... When I stepped out from Caltex House, I was shocked .. it was raining.
The dark clouds looked omnimous, the rains were hitting the ground hard, the rain drops were huge.
My colleauge started making calls to see if she could cancel the shoot.
The camera crew were on their way.
My 20 or so "stand-in actors" were already changed to their gear and on the bus... on the way.
It was amazing how, I just looked up to the heavens, closed my eyes and prayed.
And God heard my prayer... .
The moment I opened my eyes, the rain stopped to a very light drizzle.
Amazing!
That afternoon the sun was out again, we finished our commercial, it was great!
I thank God for this small miracle,
but more so, that I may be able to look up to the heavens and trust in him again!
Praise God for the small miracles in our lives!

What miracle did you experience today?

posted by Hotdogboi @ 11:32 PM 1 comments

So what happens now ... Where am I heading to?

It's past 12 midnight.
How many times have I started my bloggins this way?
Just finished writing an article for work.
But only just got home not long ago.

I'm feeling so sick.
Totally down, depressed and all things negative.
I'm not even sure where to begin from.
What's worse, I'm not even sure where it stems from.
But above it all, I feel lonely.
Yes, isn't lonliness like a disease.
It creeps up on you, slowly attacking the mind and then the heart.
It eats you bit by bit and then it consumes you,
you're left to nothingness.

I don't feel like reading the bible.
I haven't done my wadi time in over two weeks,
not since I last researched for my first ever sharing at cell.
What is happening, I'm not sure.
I feel this heavy feeling in my heart,
you know that feeling when your girlfriend dumps you?
It's that feeling.
You know that feeling when your most precious toy breaks?
It's that feeling.
You know that feeling when you wait in anticipation for your favourite
activity to happen, and it doesn't.
It's that feeling.
This emptiness is consuming me, I haven't felt like this in a while.

A colleague has tendered his resignation.
Another one will follow soon, i suspect.
So will another. And these two are barely 3months old.
It's really difficult to stay positive.
I read the bible and know God's there, but it's difficult.
I pray for wisdom and patience and grace, "up size please" I say!
But it's difficult.

I feel lonely.

I come home so late,
And everynight as I walk towards my room, I'll take a peek into granny's,
I'll stand by the door and just see her sleep.
Even if it's for a minute.
I pray for God's continued blessings on her.
But above all, I think I can sense her lonliness and it eats into my heart.
Yet, I never spend enough time with her.
She's already 84.
What are you gonna do about it?

So what am I rambling about?
Life. period.

I feel so alone sometimes.
sometimes?
I realise I haven't been meeting up with many friends.
Have I taken them all for granted.
Some continue to call to meet, others have given up
But what do we do when we meet up once after a year,
what does one say
what does one do after that "once a year meeting"
what happends then?

I miss going to walawala and balaclava.
I miss going to winebar on media nights and one for ones.
I miss dancing at velvet underground.
I miss my friends I go out with for all night drinking parties
I miss waking up sloshed and totally clueless about what happened the night
before
I miss being irresponsible and not giving a damn to the world
I miss being irreverent and just being silly
I miss sneaking into the house at 5am, waking up at 6 and pretending I was
home the whole time and then getting grounded.

Do I really miss all that?
I thought I did. But I don't think I do.
Where am I heading to?

To god's kingdom in heaven.

That's where I'm going.
So what's the hurry? Plenty.
We need to hurry on to get our lives right.
We need to hurry on to change and make that change known to those people
around us.

It is starting to pour now.
I think there's a battle going on in the heavens over me.
I believe it happens every minute and every second.
So I shall continue to pray every minute and every second.

I'm still feeling like a lost sheep,
But I will always remember that the good lord is our sheperd,
and he will account for each and every one of us until we are all found.

Someone just came to mind, I hope she reads this.
It just occurred to me as I prayed that this rambling of mine is meant for
her reading pleasure.
You see, We all have our baggages wherever we go.
But God is with us every step of the way,
He is there with us.
So don't bother about fitting in, that's only human nature,
I thought I had problems fitting in,
I wear a ear-stud to church! I have spunky hair and I have had blonde
streaks. I use to curse at every other sentence.
But now, it's only praises of god's glory that comes out.
(ok, sometimes i forget!)

So it's a lonely life,
Only God's love can truely bring joy.
So what happens now.... Where am I headed to?

posted by Hotdogboi @ 1:01 AM 1 comments

Never was there ever A Cat so clever

Ok, where else would I be so early in the 'morn.
Back at work, waiting for another colleague to come in to do some media monitoring.
Thought, I'll clear my mind a little and do this quiz.
Meow!


"CATS"
Which Broadway Musical Are You?

posted by Hotdogboi @ 8:00 AM 0 comments