What's the Hurry?

So what happens now ... Where am I heading to?

It's past 12 midnight.
How many times have I started my bloggins this way?
Just finished writing an article for work.
But only just got home not long ago.

I'm feeling so sick.
Totally down, depressed and all things negative.
I'm not even sure where to begin from.
What's worse, I'm not even sure where it stems from.
But above it all, I feel lonely.
Yes, isn't lonliness like a disease.
It creeps up on you, slowly attacking the mind and then the heart.
It eats you bit by bit and then it consumes you,
you're left to nothingness.

I don't feel like reading the bible.
I haven't done my wadi time in over two weeks,
not since I last researched for my first ever sharing at cell.
What is happening, I'm not sure.
I feel this heavy feeling in my heart,
you know that feeling when your girlfriend dumps you?
It's that feeling.
You know that feeling when your most precious toy breaks?
It's that feeling.
You know that feeling when you wait in anticipation for your favourite
activity to happen, and it doesn't.
It's that feeling.
This emptiness is consuming me, I haven't felt like this in a while.

A colleague has tendered his resignation.
Another one will follow soon, i suspect.
So will another. And these two are barely 3months old.
It's really difficult to stay positive.
I read the bible and know God's there, but it's difficult.
I pray for wisdom and patience and grace, "up size please" I say!
But it's difficult.

I feel lonely.

I come home so late,
And everynight as I walk towards my room, I'll take a peek into granny's,
I'll stand by the door and just see her sleep.
Even if it's for a minute.
I pray for God's continued blessings on her.
But above all, I think I can sense her lonliness and it eats into my heart.
Yet, I never spend enough time with her.
She's already 84.
What are you gonna do about it?

So what am I rambling about?
Life. period.

I feel so alone sometimes.
sometimes?
I realise I haven't been meeting up with many friends.
Have I taken them all for granted.
Some continue to call to meet, others have given up
But what do we do when we meet up once after a year,
what does one say
what does one do after that "once a year meeting"
what happends then?

I miss going to walawala and balaclava.
I miss going to winebar on media nights and one for ones.
I miss dancing at velvet underground.
I miss my friends I go out with for all night drinking parties
I miss waking up sloshed and totally clueless about what happened the night
before
I miss being irresponsible and not giving a damn to the world
I miss being irreverent and just being silly
I miss sneaking into the house at 5am, waking up at 6 and pretending I was
home the whole time and then getting grounded.

Do I really miss all that?
I thought I did. But I don't think I do.
Where am I heading to?

To god's kingdom in heaven.

That's where I'm going.
So what's the hurry? Plenty.
We need to hurry on to get our lives right.
We need to hurry on to change and make that change known to those people
around us.

It is starting to pour now.
I think there's a battle going on in the heavens over me.
I believe it happens every minute and every second.
So I shall continue to pray every minute and every second.

I'm still feeling like a lost sheep,
But I will always remember that the good lord is our sheperd,
and he will account for each and every one of us until we are all found.

Someone just came to mind, I hope she reads this.
It just occurred to me as I prayed that this rambling of mine is meant for
her reading pleasure.
You see, We all have our baggages wherever we go.
But God is with us every step of the way,
He is there with us.
So don't bother about fitting in, that's only human nature,
I thought I had problems fitting in,
I wear a ear-stud to church! I have spunky hair and I have had blonde
streaks. I use to curse at every other sentence.
But now, it's only praises of god's glory that comes out.
(ok, sometimes i forget!)

So it's a lonely life,
Only God's love can truely bring joy.
So what happens now.... Where am I headed to?

posted by Hotdogboi @ 1:01 AM